My Body.

On Monday, I started rehearsals for a job I’ve only ever dreamed of doing. I am going to playing a dream role - Roxie Hart in Chicago. A summer job in Slovenia, festival Ljbiana.

In my mind, everyone has such a clear idea of how they want this character to look and what they should look like. I know I’m slim, I know I have curves - in fact, I love them. But still, the thought of mirrors, being back in a rehearsal room and around other beautiful dancers can still sparks a pretty unnerving conversation with myself.

The expectations and pressures we find ourselves surrounded by are enormous - but they’re not entirely self-constructed.

THE WORDS OF THOSE AROUND US BUILD OVER TIME AND SEEP INTO OUR SUBCONSCIOUS.

For me personally one of the many contributors to this negative thought pattern has been the many comments I’ve had from casting directors ( through my agent of course, they darent say it to my face!). ‘ she needs to lose weight’, ‘she looked too frumpy’, ‘she is too womanly at the moment’. I could go on.

The impact this had on me was catastrophic. I’ve spent years in and out of the audition room, questioning myself and comparing myself. Waking up and taking far too long to worry about what leggings and top to wear, making sure it’s flattering & allows me to ‘look the part’. Sound familiar?

For others, this internal/external pressure might not apply to body shape or size, but to race, religion or background. Or perhaps a combination of everything.

WE NEED CHANGE.

Things are definitely getting there, slowly but surely. Shows are being cast with diversity in mind, which is excellent progress. But we can’t stop now. We learn, we grow and things change over time - but this only comes about with actively driving change, both inside and outside the theatre.

How did the pandemic impact my relationship with my body?

For the past 18 months I’ve been able to live in my body without the usual pressures the arts industry and my work brings to my life.

Living in joggers and leggings has been the kind of comfort we’ve all been waiting for. Breathing out, not constantly worrying about sucking in because that’s what we’ve been conditioned to do since grade 1 ISTD ballet. I mean ‘Loungewear’ must have been Google’s ‘Most Searched Word’ in 2020, surely!

Now, don’t get me wrong, I have been devastated to see what this time has done to our beautiful industry. However, so many great things have come from it too.

THE PRESSURE OF NOT HAVING TO FIT A ‘MOULD’ HAS LIFTED.

This year, I haven’t had to see myself in a mirror for longer that a couple of minutes. I haven’t had to compare myself to other people worrying about whether they’re prettier than me, more talented than me, have better credits than me, whether the panel think I look good enough… the list goes on.

These are things I’ve always been pretty good at managing, but of course they still creep in every now and again, and that’s something we shouldn’t be ashamed of. We are only human.

However, there are not many other jobs you rock up to full of doppelgängers or people who look like they could potentially be your long lost cousin. Then there are a few very good friends also thrown in there who you are - let’s face it - competing against for the same job. You’re routing for them 100% of the way because you want them to do well, but you can’t ignore the fact that this job will pay for your rent/mortgage/family/unhealthy amount of tv subscriptions & gym membership you’re only using a third of the year!

The pressure to get the job is REAL. And therefore the minute we enter that audition room, our anxiety peaks and we question everything.